Keeping the Peace

“But communication is two-sided – vital and profound communication makes demands also on those who are to receive it… demands in the sense of concentration, of genuine effort to receive what is being communicated.”
Roger Sessions

What a great reminder that there is a sender and a receiver involved in communications. There is someone who is sharing information and therefore sending a message and there is someone who is the receiver. Certainly when you are sharing information you want to do everything in your power to ensure the message is clear. You want to use the best possible medium to share the information. You want to think about timing, you want to eliminate as much noise as possible. Noise does not just mean sounds, it also means distractions. When you are communicating with others you are trying to do it in the most effective way possible. I don’t think you would give someone their performance appraisal while you were both riding a roller coaster. THAT would involve noise (as-in the sound of the roller coaster and the screaming riders) and distraction in the form of the actual ride. A better location for a performance appraisal would be in a quiet office or conference room.

What about when someone is trying to share information with you? Well as the receiver of that communication you have a responsibility. Your responsibility is to do the best you can to understand and interpret (or decode) what you are being told. If you cannot hear, you need to say so. If a word or expression is not clear to you, you need to say so. If you are not sure why certain information is coming your way, you want to ask about it. Why are you being told (or sent) this information, what are you expected to do with it or about it? If the timing is wrong, perhaps you are in the midst of a crisis or walking down the hall to a presentation, you should mention that another time would be better.

The responsibility for communication does not reside with just the sender or just the receiver, it is a joint responsibility.

PS – It is not too late to join me for the ‘What’s YOUR Communication Style?’ webinar, tomorrow, Tuesday, January 24, 2012. Follow this link (or cut and paste it into your browser) to register. https://www3.gotomeeting.com/register/716075702

Each day you bring strengths and weaknesses to work. You walk into the room (virtual or otherwise) with what makes you unique. Or as the saying goes, wherever you go, there you are. That is a good thing. It is all of the elements that make you, well you; that differentiate you from others. You cannot escape yourself, but you can GROW yourself.

Remember that the definition of a risk includes both positive and negative events that impact the success of your project. Let’s update that in terms of what it means to you:

Your risks as a leader include both the positive and the negative behaviors or tendencies that are part of who you are and how you behave. Your goal is to enhance or take advantage of the positive behaviors as they are opportunities for you to become a stronger leader and to minimize the impact of the negative behaviors that could threaten your success.

Acknowledging that you have strengths and weaknesses does not imply that you are a threat. It is recognizing that you like any other human being possess positive and negative characteristics. I ask you to recognize all of these risks – the threats and the opportunities and decide how to mitigate them. Your goal is to minimize the threats and maximize the opportunities. To do this you must conduct risk analysis and assessment on yourself.

An important first step in this process is for you to get to know YOU. The basis of your risk identification and analysis is to understand who you are and what makes you tick. You also want to understand what makes you ticked off. Who you are is the basis for how you lead. Who you are now is the as-is in your development. In order to plan for the to-be version of yourself, you need the as-is and then you need to do a gap analysis.

HONESTY is critical to the success of your risk identification and analysis. We are really talking about self-discovery. There are many areas for you to consider for example; how you like to think, how you like to speak, how you like to communicate to others, how you like others to communicate with you, how do you behave when faced with conflict, and are you aware of how your behavior impacts others? Basically you are taking a detailed inventory of YOU.

You are embarking on a significant risk identification and analysis project. This is not a four hour brainstorming session. I invite you to look at this as a long term project and proceed accordingly. Think about the areas mentioned above (and more) and consider why they matter and how you can identify your related behaviors.

THEN you want to determine if your behaviors are strengths, weaknesses and what opportunities do they bring (or prohibit). It is a lot to think about right? But you are not alone, I am on this journey with you and you can look for more guidance on this process very soon.

The only thing I said is what you heard.

I can’t take credit for this expression because I learned it in a coaching skills course a few years ago. Once I took a minute to process the sentence, (because my mind had one of those ‘Hey, wait a minute, what are you saying?’ moments); it really resonated with me.

It is an excellent reminder that when you communicate, you have a responsibility to make sure that your intended message is received. I know for a fact that when I was new to the workplace, I was often afraid to let people know I did not understand everything they told me. I would listen carefully and then return to my desk. Once I was back at my desk I would frantically look up the pieces that did not make sense. Isn’t it sad that I did not feel comfortable just asking?  Of course I need to take responsibility for not speaking up. Sure, some people I worked with (or for) would not make it easy for me to ask questions, but not everyone would have made it uncomfortable.

When it comes to communicating, the sender or originator of the message is responsible for making sure the receiver gets the message. One way to do this is to ask the receiver to tell you in their own words what you said. Of course you want to do this in an open, friendly and non-combative way.  You want them to understand that you care about having good clear communications.  If anyone had done this to me when I was new to the workplace, they would have known when I did not ‘get it’. Because when I did not ‘get it’; I would have parroted their words back to them, exactly as they had uttered them. This is definitely a clue, since most of us have our own style of speaking. If someone had asked me to describe what they had just said in my own words, my lack of understanding would have been clear. Boy that sure would have saved me all kinds of research time later! It also would have helped teach me that it was my responsibility as the receiver of the message to say ‘Hey, I do not get it.’

Another version of this expression; the only thing I wrote is what you read. So no matter what I think I have stated in this blog entry, the part that really matters is what you take away from it as my reader.

(If you keep doing the same old things)

You have probably heard or seen the expression, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” This expression has been attributed to Benjamin Franklin and Albert Einstein and others.

For the purposes of our time together, it does not matter who said it or how many times you have heard it.  What does matter is how you apply this to your life and to your professional relationships. It is a new year and you are probably assessing what you want to stay the same and what you want to improve. That’s great, what are you going to do about it? If you are saying “This is the year that others will recognize what a reliable and trustworthy team member they have in me”, then I hope you are going to exhibit behaviors that will lead others to see you as reliable and trustworthy.

I still remember my programming days. Sometimes I could test my code and find my errors right away. Other times, I would sit and stare for hours and not see the problem. When I got really frustrated I would keep executing the same test over and over again, hoping the results would be different OR that I would receive sudden inspiration and my problem would be solved.  I hope this does not mean I was insane. I hope it means that I was (and still am) human.  What I know now is that:

• Sometimes I needed to just let go and take a break and approach the problem with a clear (and open) mind. In fact when I did relax and let go, a solution to the problem would usually present itself.
• Sometimes I needed to do some research or learn something new in order to master my problem. It is hard for me to learn when I am stressed and frustrated, so taking a break was a definite requirement to prepare my mind for receiving new information.
• Sometimes I needed to ASK SOMEONE for HELP! I find it easier to ask for help when I can discuss the problem calmly and concisely.
• Repeating the same approach over and over again NEVER solved the problem. Doing the same thing over and over again was not advancing me toward a solution; it was just wasting time that could be used to open myself up to the right solution. AND repeating the same approach over and over again only made me more upset and frustrated, which in turn did not make my mind open and clear to find new possibilities.

Guess what? The same thing is true about your professional relationships. If you keep approaching them in exactly the same way, what do you think is going to change?

If you are a leader and you continue to expect your team to know what you want without giving them clear goals how exactly is that going to work? How is that working for you now?

So remember New Year plus the right new behaviors will equal new results.

I know you, you are a giver. How do I know this? It is a common theme shared by my community members. You might not even KNOW the ways in which you give. Certainly with the year coming to an end you are receiving requests and reminders for charitable donations. And if you are able to make financial donations, that is terrific! But giving is not just about money.

For you, the decision to give is probably easy. It is part of who you are. You want to give, to make a difference, to contribute. The decisions about giving, like how to give, when to give and who or what to give to are not always easy.  Did you know that there is a guide to giving? It is called GIVING 2.0: Transform Your Giving and Our World by Laura Arrillaga-Andreessen. I was GIVEN the opportunity to read an advance copy. What immediately jumped out at me was that this book is like a strategic plan for giving. I ask you to be strategic in your treatment of others, to think about how you want to develop your soft skills, why shouldn’t you be strategic in your giving? And why wouldn’t you want the way in which you give back to make the greatest impact possible?

How and what to give are important decisions. Will you volunteer with your family or with a friend or partner, or will this be something you do by yourself? Will you set up a fund to go to a cause that you believe in? Will you plan a fundraiser? Maybe you would like to start your own non-profit.

GIVING 2.0: Transform Your Giving and Our World, helps you consider the many options that are available to you. There are checklists and questions to help you to define your strategy and to become really clear about how you want to give, there are action items so that once you make a decision you know how to ‘make it happen’. Perhaps best of all there are the stories about real people and how they have incorporated giving into their lives. These are people like Taylor a twenty-year-old from Los Angeles who asks his family to make online donations instead of giving Christmas presents and Ben, a senior IBM executive and son of an immigrant, who inspires students to study math, science, and engineering. In other words people like you, like your families and like your friends.

If you are curious, be sure to check out http://giving2.com/; you will find some excellent resources to support you. I also want you to know that the author Laura Arrillaga-Andreessen is donating 100% of her royalties.

I thought a philanthropist was someone who was super rich, gave millions of dollars and had entire buildings or wings of buildings named after them. But according to this quote “A philanthropist is anyone who gives anything – time, money, experience, skills, and networks – in any amount to create a better world.”

Guess what? You are a philanthropist.